My experience in life has taught me that one of the most important keys to happiness is transcendence of the ego. The ego possesses us like a demon, it seems to take a life of its own, but in reality we create it ourselves.
Signs that the ego has a grip on you, that you are holding onto your ego:
1. Bragging about credentials.
Many people waste a good part of their lives just to be able to brag about credentials somewhere down the road. They’ll spend ten years studying only to find out that they hate their job and that they did it all just to have something to brag about. How pathetic!
Bragging about credentials is probably the most disgusting form of ego worship. You worship your own ego by comparing yourself to others who have fewer credentials. Let me ask you this – What is the difference between:
a) creating a pecking order of occupations and then talking about how your occupation is higher up on the list when compared to others,
and
b) being one of those guys in a tribe in the jungle of Africa who thinks he’s better than everybody else just because he has a bigger bone in his nose?
Not much. This applies to job status, good looks and many other things. Clinging to this type of credentialist bullshit means that you have nothing else to offer, or, that you fear being yourself in this world and letting the chips fall where they may. So you hide behind the mask of some false, bullshit credential.
Drop this immediately or you will make no progress towards achieving happiness. I try to catch myself as fast as possible when I fall into this trap. It can cause all types of misery.
2. Defending yourself verbally all the time.
Just be yourself and focus on improving yourself. If you feel the need to defend your image of yourself in front of others, and you do it often, it means that your ego is possessing you and that it is most probably negatively affecting your life. Getting defensive easily and often is not a good mental reflex to have.
3. Feeling the need to defend your beliefs against those of others.
This is similar to number 2 above, but it’s also different. This time, you’re not trying to defend your self-image, you’re trying to defend your beliefs because you feel threatened that other people don’t follow them. Indirectly, this sets off your ego-reflex, because when you’re beliefs are challenged, you feel that the real challenge is to your real, true self.
Luckily, we are not our beliefs. Beliefs can change over time. Often, you will be wrong. Many beliefs are false, sometimes we just don’t realize it.
But even when you’re right, feeling the need to defend your correct beliefs against those of others amounts to the ego grasping for power. The more you do it, the less happy you’ll be. I’ve done this many times, and now I know that I always feel better when I let other people be. Why should I care what they believe? Screw them.
4. An obsession with blaming others for all of your problems.
I have a lot of experience with this. Sometimes, things are the fault of other people, and this is tough to handle. Bad things happen. Some people grow up in the wrong family. There’s too much parental pressure. Sometimes we get attacked or mugged.
Still, there comes a time when we have to draw the line and take some responsibility for how we deal with what happens to us. What do we do about it?
Confucius said:
In the archer, there is a resemblance to the mature person.
When he misses the mark, he turns and seeks the reason for his failure in himself.
Take stock of your beliefs, your actions and your character. Right away, this takes you away from wasting time blaming others and focuses your mind on improving yourself and your life.
You’re better off taking a balanced view of things, even when you’re right and others are wrong. Transcend your ego and look at the failures in your life where you actually played a role and could have done better. There are lessons to be learned in these experiences.
5. Wanting to impose yourself on other people and their lives.
If you find yourself always telling other people how they should live their lives, this is a major warning sign that the ego is rearing its ugly head. You have to make a distinction between giving your opinion, giving advice based on your own personal experience and trying to impose your model of reality on other people who just don’t want to live that way.
Some people will not want to live the life you want. Who cares? I always had parents trying to tell me what to do. And it made me miserable.
6. The narrator in your head.
You know those times when you’re just about to do something, and, all of a sudden, the narrator in your mind tries to convince you that it might not be a good idea?
The ego is so insidious, that when you achieve a less ignorant state, you think “I am enlightened!” We all have a narrator in our minds that is often trying to convince us of things, make us doubt ourselves, and is sometimes even ruining our lives. That narrator is not who we are. That voice belongs to our egos. So watch for it. Nip it in the bud and make sure that what you think, what you say and what you do – that all those actions come from the real you, and not from your ego and its various manifestations.
Using the above points as guidelines to get yourself back on track will certainly lead to a better life. At least that’s how I feel and think, based on personal experience.
If you’re interested in this sort of thing, please check out my short post on zen, entitled die before you die.
